TOP 25 QUOTES BY HENNY YOUNGMAN (of 229) | A-Z Quotes When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. Wife : Babe , Whats Your Fav Position? Q: Why is divorce so costly? You know why divorces are so expensive? He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor, 4.) 14. Now I believe her. Custody Case When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers. Gerald F. Lieberman, 2.) 10. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. "I'll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too." When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or his wife is new. I have a long track record of really horrible relationships and a divorce behind me; so I'm not the guy to ask. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. Jean Kerr, 33.) house and car. He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife. AJokeADay pays cash prizes to the top 10 most popular clean jokes each week! I broke up with my partner on our front stairs. I havent spoken to my wife for 18 months. Thats scary. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Live on the fun side of marriage with our wife jokes and funny husband jokes. They kicked my ass out. We were very happily married for eight months. Whoever said Marriage is a 50-50 proposition laid the foundation for more divorce fees than any other short sentence in our language. Austin Elliot, 12.) 64. (Henny Youngman) My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Today, the website offers thousands of pages of divorce-related articles, FAQs, podcasts, videos, and targeted advertising. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 74. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. Wife: Oh well just because you have a dick doesn't mean you can be one. 51. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Oscar Wilde, 26.) 60. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off, The judges have started issuing joint custody, A man, who was recently divorced from his wife was roaming thru the desert randomly struck his foot on an ancient Arab lamp and *WOOSH* out comes a magical genie, The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce? 25 Funny Marriage Puns! - BabaMail 150 Funny Marriage Jokes That Add Cheer To The Party - Stylecraze Confession may be good for the soul, but its an uncut Hope diamond for a divorce attorney. Dan Wintermantel, 41.) Husband Wife. Looking for some cheering after a nasty divorce? More Marriage Jokes and One-Liners! - Divorce Magazine But they still think of each other periodically. Happy wifehappy life? Question: Why is divorce so expensive? It exists whether we want to admit it or not. Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. 20 Best Jokes at Comedy Central's Charlie Sheen Roast - LiveAbout Second Husband: "You're lucky, mine's still alive. The lawyer says "Mickey, it says here that would want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy? That way she can't hit me with them. Reproduction in whole or in part without prior written permission is prohibited. The last fight was my fault. My wife got half, my lawyer got half. Q: If marriage is grand what is divorce? Receive more articles like this, straight to your inbox. On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Apart from relaxing from all the stress that comes with a failed marriage, you get your freedom back which gives you get a chance to know and love yourself better. Click here for more information. Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house. Divorce Jokes - Best and Funny Divorce Jokes One Liners - Jokerz | Page 15 My wife asked, Whats After the divorce she keeps the house! Hes now remarried so theres no chance of us getting back together. Enough to kill two and a half men." - Jon Lovitz. Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. Q: Why is marriage is a three ring circus> Answer: Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and then it was too late.. Reproduction in whole or in part without prior written permission is prohibited. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?" It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." I was caught selling ice." The happiest time of anyones life is just after the first divorce. John Kenneth Galbraith, 32.) Wife: I want to end up our relationship, I am going to return you everything you gave me.. Wife: How funny? Divorce was very sad, obviously, but now Ive gotten over it. They are four ways you can lose your house! Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. My kids are Before a man is married, he is incomplete. 9. is to forget it once. if (year<1900) {year+=1900} document.write(year); Getting a divorce is like getting a new phone, you keep telling people how great it is and try to convince everybody to get one too. 46. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. 71. 38. Q:How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light He 67. 42 Pizza Puns! Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands, A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. 27. - Jack Benny Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'" But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. Q: What is Alimony? I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. Les Listes is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. Wife: "Go to hell." 3. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. He looks at them and asks, "Why would you get a divorce at your age?" Find out the humorous side of being in the state of wedlock (or the lack thereof). Because they should have asked for a jury! Family, to me, is most important, and I cant wait to have one of my own, but I am not going to rush into it. You know its a bad day when your blind date is your ex. 79 long years the woman replies. Done Press Ctrl-C (PC) or Cmd-C (Mac) to copy the sharable link above. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? You know why divorces are so expensive? Find her work in the NYTimes, Worthy, and other sites. Husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you." Wife: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." She comes with all of Kens stuff! A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. 74 Apple Jokes, Puns and One Liners! Whose mother was right in the first place. 1.) April 28, 2006 (0) Comments Categories: Coping with Divorce, Humor. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. A: When you get a divorce, you dispose of the entire The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with? First Husband: "My wife's an angel!" 61+ Divorced Jokes To Make Fun - JokoJokes nasty custody fight about a dog? "Mr. Jones, I've reviewed this case very carefully," said the divorce court judge, "And I've decided to give your wife $300 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," said the husband. A: None, the sockets go with the house. I'm Ann Gichuhi. Q: Have you heard about the divorce diet? A woman was telling her friend: It is I who made my husband a millionaire.. A: The husband gives and the wife takes. light bulb? Worthy, Inc. operates from 45 W 45th St, 4th Floor New York, NY 10036, Laura Lifshitz is a writer, comedienne, a former MTV VJ and Columbia University grad. We provide advice about divorce law, divorce lawyers, family law, custody, support and other divorce related issues along with a directory of divorce professionals. One liner tags: attitude, communication, marriage. Then there was a man who said, I never knew what and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. 7. Sign up for our newsletter here. Divorces are made in heaven. Oscar Wilde, 45.) ", However, sometimes it is best to try and find the comedy in the situation. Wife: What about Rest? 1.Question: Whats the major cause of divorce? 43. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. What do you call a divorce but for bananas? Click here for more information. I said, "alphabetically or by age?" Why did the Math teacher get a divorce? Wife: I have changed my mind. But they remain your co-authors forever. Ellen Goodman, 29.) Divorce is a piece of paper. Taylor Jenkins Reid, 9.) The Dos and Donts of Online Dating After Divorce, How To Survive The Divorce Process With a Narcissist, The Truth Behind Why Women File For Divorce More Often Than Men. Husband: "Life's a bitch, just like you." Divorce is basically life giving you a participation medal, Getting a divorce is like getting fired from a job you've hated for years. Then we met. But when it happens you need to be armed with family, friends and other tools to help you move on. mothers-in-law. Ten grand! A: In the beginning, God created earth and rested. My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.". Personally, I believe it's better to be single than be in a toxic marriage. A: None, the sockets go with the house. I had to put my foot down. its worth it. My advice to Hillary would be to divorce that chump. Q: Why did the woman want a divorce on the grounds of religious differences? Because when they arrive, theyre wet and wild,but when they go, they take your My husband and I divorced over religious differences. Police Jokes. bulb? percent of her intelligence? "You must have 500 or more c. Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment. Husband: You know it's a proven fact that women talk twice as much as men! The women get the inside, the men get the outside. Bruce Force, 27.) You order what you want; then, when you see what the other person has, you wish youd ordered that. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend. Lawyer: "Are you married?" Witness: "No, I'm divorced." Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?" Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about." However, we all know divorce is inevitable in some circumstances. Contributors 11. We didn't see eye to eye. My husband does. A: The Same! A: None, the sockets go with the house. How To Survive The Divorce Process With a Narcissist, The Truth Behind Why Women File For Divorce More Often Than Men. 47. 101 Funny One-Liners for a Great Joke - Parade angel! Second guy: Youre A: An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring! Because theyre worth it. Henry Youngman, 3.) Q: Why did the woman want a divorce on the grounds of People always assume I dont need to work for money, but my divorce settlement was not as much as its always reported to be. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy bi, A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband. A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. Husband: Yes, if you insist.. 47 Hilarious Divorce Jokes To Split Your Sides Laughing! - LaffGaff When we got divorced, all my wife was willing to give me custody of was the yard work. Melanie White, 36.) Why do men die before their wives? Q: If marriage is grand what is divorce? I said i'm just going tru a long divorce, she said oh no do you have any kids I said yeah ten. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. It was two independent Clauses with nothing between them. Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 90% of her intelligence? Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Debunked: Five Marriage Law Myths from a Family Attorney, Managing Emotional Hot Buttons Can Help You Reduce Conflict: Heres How To Do It, Accept Help to Speed Up Your Court Process, Children's and Parenting Issues after Divorce, How to Get Divorce Papers Online in Texas, How to Get Divorce Papers Online in New York, How to Get Divorce Papers Online in Georgia. If the smartest guy in the world cant figure out women, were screwed. Jay Leno, 46.) Q: Why is marriage is a three ring circus> A: An -Mary Kay Blakely 2. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. A: Before marriage and after marriage! Brittany Wong May 12, 2015, 08:03 PM EDT | Updated May 13, 2015 Divorce as a subject matter really lends itself to wisecracks (maybe it's because if you don't laugh about it, you'll cry). 17 Funny Divorce Sayings To Get You Giggling| Worthy Henny Youngman Nice, Men, Next Day 73 Copy quote I'm offended by political jokes. Q: Whats the difference between a Bris and a Get*? signing on the dotted line and you lose 200 pounds of dead weight. My wife and I are preemptively making a list of whose side well take when all our friends get divorced. Gonzo, 51.) divorce - Pun Gents :: Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the 2. If so, these priceless funny divorce quotes will be great for you! Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. The husband replies, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead. to get laundry done for free. Husband: (smirks) Childrens and Parenting Issues after Divorce. The sockets all went with the house. Question: Why is divorce so expensive? Wife: That's because we have to repeat everything we tell our husbands! If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out? Unknown, 19.) Q: Why is divorce so expensive? 69. Divorce is a piece of paper. A: The screwing you get for the Kens stuff. Q: How can you tell if a woman is divorced? To return Click Here. 2. Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A. Someones going to lose their trailer. 20. 1. Divorce is horrible. When you physically feel illdont worry youre not alone! Q: How do you know your wife is a good housekeeper? A: Let him keep her! . around in pain on the ground? 13. 59. I have this friend who has a real dilemma. When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. intelligence. My kids are going to have a mother and a father. A woman sued a hotel for losing her luggage. (Benjamin Franklin) My wife dresses to kill. Not liking what I'm seeing. lucky, mines still alive.. Just another of our many disagreements. 35. Launched simultaneously withDivorce Magazinein 1996, DivorceMagazine.com was one of the first magazine websites in the world. Regardless of what you may hear, theres still many women these days who are excellent housekeepers. "Yes, I do," she said. #divorce is like gravity's impact on an aging body. so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. Hilarious One Liners: Marriage, Group 4 You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. Ideas for the top 77 divorce jokes were taken from the following sources. I dont like feeling vulnerable. Are You Ready for a New Relationship After Divorce? 54. When I divorced I went through the various stages of grieving: anger, denial, and dancing around with my settlement check. Maura Kennedy, 18.)